So, there’s a problem in America, and the problem is too many guns.
The National Rifle Association has a solution to the problem: more guns.
I think this is a great solution. I think the theory is, if everyone had a gun, then no one would shoot anyone, because someone would shoot back at them. That is, the more guns there are, the less people will use them, and the safer we will be. I like this theory. I like this theory a lot.
I think this is such a good theory, we should find other problems we can solve the same way. I think we have many, many, dozens, hundreds of problems we can solve the same way.
Like, there are too many people who smoke cigarettes in America. What’s the solution? More people should smoke cigarettes. Then the people who smoke cigarettes would realize how gross it is, smoking cigarettes, and they’d quit. Not only, but if more people smoked, then more people would get cancer, and we’d finally get frigging serious about finding a cure for cancer. We would be healthier and safer.
Like, there are too many obese people in America. Oh great NRA Ouija, what’s the solution? More obese people. The biggest issue with all the obese people is that they stand out. We notice them. They feel bad. We feel bad. If there were more obese people, we wouldn’t notice them, we’d all be obese people. Obese would be the new normal, and we’d all feel good about ourselves. Plus which, think of all the new business for restaurants and food companies, all the high fructose corn syrup. Good for the economy.
Like, there are too many people who drink and drive in America. NRA to the rescue. More people drinking and driving. I mean, if you didn’t drink and drive, and you knew there were all those drunks out on the road, you’d stay home, right. YOU WOULD BE SAFER. And if you did drink and drive, what a frigging hoot, getting out on the road with all those other drunks. It would be like a video game, with consequences. And think of all the extra work for the EMTs and emergency rooms. Good for the economy.
Too many cars on the road? We need MORE cars on the road. We need to sell more cars. Good for the economy!!
Too much CO2 in the atmosphere? We need MORE CO2 in the atmosphere. We need Florida from Maine to Alaska. Good for farmers. Good for tourism. Good for the economy!! Bad for polar bears, maybe, but that’s what zoos are for. And what are zoos? Good for the economy!!
Too much violence on TV? We need MORE violence on TV. Then people would stay at home out of fear, and they would be SAFER. And other people would go out and buy guns. And guns are the best way to prevent violence. They would be safer too. We would ALL be safer. Not to mention, selling more guns is good for the economy!!!
Too many politicians? We need MORE politicians! I mean, the problem is not that there are too many politicians, but there are not enough good politicians. If we had more politicians, we’d have more good politicians. Right?
I think, when the histories are written, that we will be thanking the NRA for such a good idea. Got a problem? Here’s the solution: Create more of the problem. Create so much of a problem that it’s not a problem anymore. It’s a SOLUTION.
That’s just what we should do. We should solve more problems, NRA style.