Mortality

You can't travel this road without being confronted head on with your own mortality. There is a strange relationship you have with this emotional crutch. I say crutch because sometimes it is a reason to keep limping along, while at others you can be so tired all you can do is stand and lean on the crutch. Hoping that strength will return to make it to your destination.

Let me put it this way. I have had two occasions of physical stupidity I can use to compare; OK more than that but back to my point. I went out for a walk both times without telling a sole, both times without my cell phone, and both times I took it too far. Something that in the past would have taken me less than five minutes took from a 1/2 hr to an hour to try to get back indoors from. In the end each step being more painful than the last, and the only thought ... to make it back inside.

The emotional roller coaster continues with highs and lows. It's the lows that are harder to deal with and require more attention than others. It sometimes means crying, other times it means saying out loud what is in my head. It is the ability to get it out of me. Side affect from this has been the loss of a filter. I tell it how it is, hard and cold true facts. I don't have time for PC discussions or the patients it seems, go figure. Being able to verbalize or even scream whatever it is a release of pure emotion so strong; I can only compare it to the loss of a loved one. Sometimes the heartache with it is that painful. The exhaustion from pure thought accompanied by the "well meaning." Who say all the wrong things.

"Wow, Jenn you still have all your hair, I thought you had to take some chemo pill?"

"Seriously that sucks, glad it is not me."

"If you would just listen to me and take (insert item here) you would be fine, your going to die because you are listening to doctors."

The highs also require attention. They can't go uncontrolled or get out of hand. Sometimes that thing you think you will buy because some how it will make you feel better, and even if it does your finances will take the hit. So, just say no LOL.

I've been asked what I hope I am remembered for, it's not a terrible question. Think about it, what do you want to be remembered for. We live on in the memories of those we leave. What stands out to you, how many people stop and take that kind of stock in their lives. The bottom line is the mark you leave, the hearts you have touched, it is your deeds not your statements that will be remembered.

Opinions will vary when it comes to me personally. What I hope for the most is to be remembered as the best Mom I could be to my son, Jesse. He is a mini-me in some ways, and in others excels beyond my capabilities. He has the potential to leave an amazing mark on this work through his ideas, deeds, and his music. All growing up our home was the hang out. All Jesse's friends wanted to come and hang out. We had a space for them, lots of yard to play high and seek, which turned into air soft and onto paint guns, LOL  I can remember yelling out the window I better see eyes on everyone one or the game ends now. Boy they would move, over the years there are some that became a part of the family.

Nathan, born in my heart the day I found out. One of Jesse's longest and closed friends, who I remember spending a lot of time in hats, LOL. You have the ability to go anywhere and do anything, knowing you have a foundation. Your foundation is each other and along with you we cannot forget the rest of the team Jess : Nate, Kyle, Jason,and Jesse.  Geez, I can remember the movie making, music blaring, rocking gaming crew. From bicycling to my house to, oh boy help me, driving cars. You all have great things to be proud in, and I am so glad Jesse has all of you. Your a great crew, never make a decision in anger or emotion that could split you up. Take a moment, walk away and breath. You guys have a lot of years invested in each other, and no one in your life will stand up faster for you than those that may not be brothers by blood, but are in every real way.

So what would I want to be remembered for outside of that. Nothing. :-) Ok ... wait... maybe ... a few cool things wouldn't hurt it is my blog after all. A moment of "tooting my own horn" why the hell not. What do I have to loose that I have not already lost anyway, LOL


1. Helping to start the revolt against real id and winning in New Hampshire.
 2.Creating a Purple Heart Trail down RT. 3 from the Mass boarder to Canada with NO LESS THAN 200 sign location and NO LIMITATIONS. (The signs are paid for by the Veterans’ groups and family members.)
3. Ending the knife bans in NH and starting a national revolution for Knife Freedom
4. Co-sponsoring Legislation to legalize medical cannabis three times.
5. Co-sponsoring the bill to get rid of the “duty to retreat” and instituting the right to self-defense in the face of a life threat or rape also known as “Stand your ground”, this bill also had the legislative fix to make sure that NO ONE ever went to jail like Mr. Ward Bird did. No Trespassing means you.
6. Creating knife preemption law in New Hampshire that ended the various and little know city and town ordinances against certain knives or knife lengths.
7. Getting both knife bills passed unanimously through the NH House and the NH Senate and having both bills signed into law by Democratic Governor John Lynch. To my knowledge never done before in U.S. history with pro-2A legislation.
8. Having the chance to do what most never get to, and have loose ends tightened and calmness in a way I have never felt before.(Still have some loose ends, but sometimes you can't fix everything.)

This is not a sad thing don’t get all goofy. It is about being honest in a moment that I get to take the chance to do, knowing that things can happen. Having every plan, intention, and effort be on building strength before this surgery. I have plans for my future and I plan on being very happy and finding how to create that for myself. There is a whole world out there I have yet to see. 

In Liberty, ~Jenn